The Interview

I was saddened to see a dead bat laying on the patio this morning. Immediately I assumed the cats had been up to no good. We have a colony of Pipistrelles’ nearby and this appeared to be one of that species.

I called an immediate meeting of the felines who were at least two hours into their daily routine of sleep and generally doing nothing. To catch a bat would require impressive dexterity and to my knowledge, two of the three can barely catch their breakfast from the food bowl due to laziness and a total lack of coordination. I however decided to try and catch them out.

Sampson was first up, he sat there bleary eyed looking as dopey as always wondering I think what a bat actually was. After much questioning I determined the nearest he had come in the night to the bat was sitting on the fence and yawned. Unless the bat was very unlucky and just happened by as he completed his yawn, I think he is out of the running. I dismissed him but he just fell asleep where he stood.

Before I challenged the rest, I thought I would check the security camera. The last time he was seen on the camera was at 8 o’clock last night so he was out of the running, the lazy little git had been indoors all night…and he was tired? I wish I had the life of a cat!

Next up was Matilda, AKA the killer whale because of her markings and her poor attitude. She refused to come into the interview room so I decided to conduct the interview on the sofa where she was firmly ensconced. Matilda does what she wants and when she wants, failure to observe this usually results and a full bladder of cat pee on the cooker in the middle of the night to convey her displeasure.

I checked the camera first and sure enough she was about in the night, wandering up and down the garden keeping us safe in our beds. At last, I thought she is doing what she is paid to do and not a mouse in sight. There was a complete denial from the interviewee she claimed she didn’t know what a mouse was let alone a bat. In her defence she can’t jump too high and does have the balance of an earthworm. I advised that this was an interview under caution and we could be revisiting the conversation.

Finally, it was Coco’s turn. My suspicions have been aroused because she leaps off the conservatory roof with no thought of how high it is. If you can jump that far in theory you could jump up and catch a bat if needed. Coco denied the crime completely, she hadn’t seen a bat in years…yeah right! She did under the threat of removal of cat treats confess to finding a rabbit in next doors garden, a pigeon, a rook and a bowl of cat food inside the cat flap of the house across the way. The animals she assured me she led home to safety. I was not convinced so I adjourned the proceedings until I had consumed my cup of tea and a piece of cake.

I decided to go for a drive and as I reached the gate, Coco was launching herself off next doors green rubbish bin at a sparrow flying down the path. Judging by the height and trajectory, I can rule out any interference in the bat’s demise. At the top of her trajectory the sparrow had travelled on at least 18 feet, so absolutely no chance of catching a bat at full tilt in the dark!

When I returned all the cats were laughing at me. As I walked down the path the bat had moved, it was on the low wall scratching its ears and looking a bit dopey. As I walked up to it took flight and headed back to its roost. It all became clear; we cleaned the windows of the conservatory yesterday and the poor little bat couldn’t pick up the glass on its radar and bumped his head.

The cats will make me pay now, there is nothing like a vindictive cat, there will be fur everywhere and they will invite their friends in during the night and party until dawn. So much for my suspicions I give up and will go and sit in with the hens!